So how is it exactly that suddenly today the words of Gail Godwin begin singing inside my head as if they were some harmonious butterflies flapping frantically on an eerie wind born out of chaos but specifically bred for the purposes of a much smoother something else to come? I mean obviously the easy explanation of this is the simple fact that I only just recently picked up one of her books and began reading it. But that is somehow to simple, to physical, there just isn't enough mojo in that answer. To begin with this woman has been writing literature since before I was even born so it's not like her words have not always been there available on public market for my purchase and absorption. Furthermore, it suddenly occurs to me that in some way this blog may or may not be appreciated by my children; Obviously from the time I first began recording anecdotes and advice in it I have been writing at a level that will not be fully appreciated by them for quite some time yet so at least in the immediate time frame it is all just as well to assume that it isn't even for "them" at all but instead for others at this point. Keeping in mind that there really is something of a high likelihood that at some point in time my children will in fact find great value in these recordings of constant ramblings that on the surface amount to rants that have nothing more to do with anything than the immediate points presented to the forefront of my thought process at the time. Will they even have any clue how to properly discern this? If not, will they at least have a bit of joy within them from trying? Will it give them an avenue to more deeply and intimately get to know their father even after I am no longer with them or the grandchildren's grandchildren after for that matter?
I really have no answers to any of this but what I have found from it thus far is that it most certainly is for me. It gives me an avenue to convey thoughts that can be looked at upon later so that I myself may journey to a place that allows for the character development of self. It also is for other members of the family that are able to take note of various things, times, places that have happened within the time span that this blog has been kept. It is even important to my very own flesh and blood children in a way that does not even directly affect them at all in this singular moment but yet yields an\unwavering importance in the long term landscape, the "big picture" if you will.
Simply put, I wish that the single line from the book "Evensong" about mothers and fathers leaving ("Mothers and Fathers go away and never come back" -Gail Godwin, that is how it goes) was always to be completely foreign to them except perhaps in a second hand account taught to them by someone else. The truth to this is that they very much know this on a first hand account now, it is a thing that shames and embarrasses me to no end. Even at this moment, over a year after the fact it wrecks an absolute havoc upon my conscience that I could not have somehow stood in the gap just a scale tipping bit more. I haven't put much at all in this blog in this time, not because there was not so much to put but instead because that spark of ambition that first begain this blog had simply lost its luster and became but a weak struggling flicker of a smothered candle burried under the darkness of depression and unknowing.
So then, the other day I randomly pick up this book that was just lying there which I had held on to for quite some time and had never before read. After absorbing into my thought the first paragraph, which consisted only of two complete sentences in its entirety, and I had to put this book down for a couple days and ponder on it for a bit as to what it was that I was about to even get myself into in the reading of this piece. Wow, do her words come off so wonderfully. Presumably in a practiced and perfected version of what I have so often attempted to come up with. Two days later upon picking this same novel up again, which is by the way a sequel to another book which I have yet to read. Within the first six pages I have already worn out one ink pen in writing notes and underlining important passages and thinking to myself how this easily could become like the ancient book on programming languages that I own which has exactly every word within the book underlined because of importance...... It could end up looking a little like that one bible I kept so long ago in my youth which for the same purpose ended up completely underlined from first word to last.
Where is God in all of this? In fact, I am starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, that is the single most important question. I suppose it wouldn't have ever occurred to me to think of it in this manner had I not read the response from the heroine's not yet husband Adrian. But then after reading his explanation of the subject matter I realized it wasn't because I had a lack of materials to build that building only because I had never put those same materials in that specific order. Ah Yes! Job. Good ole' faithful Job. Imagine how ridiculous of a time that the devil would have had trying to prove his same point using a vessel that had been born to a life of deprivation from the start. Heck, I can only imagine satan rendering himself delusional attempting to throw negatives at such a poor wretch only to be met with amused chuckles from the man saying with an undertone of chuckle, "yep, I suppose it could have gotten worse because it just did." See it was the fact that Job was so well blessed, so joyous, that there was an outlet for this entire bible story from the start. Grab a random scrub that has simply less than nothing and at this point the person is going to simply resort to laughing at himself as the difficulties pile on heavier and deeper. (or maybe this is just my musings on the subject and maybe I am beginning to ramble as I often do when presented with an opportunity to slap my fingertips against a keyboard).
Now I pray!
"Dear heavenly Father, Maker of men, Creator of creation, I appeal to you please Lord, shield the joyous."
My children, I feel it is important to let you know that there are individuals in this world, not complete strangers, although foreign to you in this moment as I now write this, who have been interested in your well being from the day of your birth. They have followed this blog to keep up to date pictures of you, they have asked me on frequent occasion how you were/are and have taken the time to concern their self with what interests you have. You are not nor will you ever be alone in this world. I am not certain if "no man is an island" but I do know that none of you ever will be so indeed not all men are an island. Faith, hope, and love these three abide and the greatest of these is love!
